everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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