and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
