Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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