I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
