I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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