im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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