He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
