I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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