And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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