Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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