thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My ass is underappreciated
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
