you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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