My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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