So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
