I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
