is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
