So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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