I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
