in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The air was thick with penises
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize