FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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