I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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