Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize