he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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