i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
3pm strippers are depressing
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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