i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
