i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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