she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
