Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
