Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
