U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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