Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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