Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize