go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
