I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
