I am full of burrito and curiosity
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
