When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
