you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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