Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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