I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
