I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
