Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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