just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
