So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
