woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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