Whod you bang
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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