I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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