Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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