Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
