The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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