you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
