i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
