one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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