we're blogging at a bar
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my shit smells like andre
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
