the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
