like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
