the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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