I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
