Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
