Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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