She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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