Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
