We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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