i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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